. It is about the professional lifeguards who patrol Bondi Beach, one of Australia's most famous and popular tourist attractions. Even more appealing to me is the fact I often make my way down to Bondi to surf and whatnot and I can catch a glimpse of the stars of the show.
Every week, it seems the people getting rescued fall into one of two categories:
1.) Silly tourists who are wholly unaware of Bondi's particularly nasty rip currents or are grossly under-prepared for ocean swimming.
2.) Silly Asian tourists who are wholly unaware of Bondi's particularly nasty rip currents or are grossly under-prepared for ocean swimming.
I usually found myself watching the show and mocking those who ended up being rescued, especially given the often ridiculous reasons for how they ended up in the given predicament. A typical example might go something like this:
Lee, a 25-year old student from China was on his first visit to Bondi Beach. Having never before gone swimming his entire life, he just jumped into the water thinking it would be a good way to cool off. Ignoring the warnings about dangerous currents, Lee quickly found himself in a losing battle against Backpacker's Rip.
"I never face water so strong," says Lee, shivering and discombobulated after Harries/Whippet/Corey pulled him from the surf.
So, how did I become a part of this narrative?
As longtime readers of this blog know, I have made futile and increasingly laughable attempts to learn how to surf. Deciding to go 'all-in' on the matter, I decided to purchase a surfboard and wet suit. On that fateful day in June, I was able to get my wet suit, but the board was on special order from the manufacturer. Undaunted, I felt it was appropriate to test the salesperson's claims regarding the wet suit in what looked to be not-so-rough waters.
I jumped straight in the water and immediately made the mistake of swimming parallel to the beach. Being a below-average to crappy swimmer, I quickly tired and stopped to catch my breath. As soon as I popped my head out of the water, something wasn't right. I could no longer touch bottom and waves were now crashing over my head. I distinctly remember this sequence of thoughts going through my head:
"Oh shit! Oh shit! Panic! Panic! Panic!"
"OK, don't panic, Zhi. Swim to shore."
"Fuck, I'm not making any progress swimming to shore. Just try harder!"
"Oh no. The lifeguard is shouting and pointing at me. Better let him know I'm OK. Remember that thing from the one diving lesson you took, the international sign for "I'm OK" is tapping your fingers on the top of your head."
"OK, don't panic. Remember to keep your head. The worst thing to do is panicking and trying to swim to shore. Swim perpendicular to the rip."
"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I'm not making any progress, I can't touch bottom, and the waves are getting worse."
"Maybe I can just lie on my back and let the waves bring me in. Fuck, they are not bringing me any closer."
"I'm going to die."
"Maybe they'll put me on Bondi Rescue."
"Oh, sweet. I can touch bottom now, maybe I'm OK."
"Oh shit, I no longer touch bottom. Panic."
"Continue panicking."
"Panic! Panic! Panic!"
"Start waving frantically and screaming for help."
At this point, the lifeguard was on his board and coming out to fetch my dumb ass. The show does not exaggerate their prowess in the water. He paddled out on his rescue board the 50-100 meters in about 20 seconds, which is pretty amazing if you consider the surf. Now, all those episodes I had watched of Bondi Rescue came into play as I immediately knew how to get on the board and be rescued (on stomach, face first, legs over the side so the lifeguard can paddle).
Once I got to the beach, I also remembered the proper way to thank your rescuer from watching the show: stumble around like you're drunk and mumble something that sounds like "Thanks". My savior, "Corey O" was very gracious and understanding as he angrily screamed "NO MORE SWIM!" while making an "X" with his arms.
I proceeded to sit on the beach for the next 30 minutes because I was too weak to pull off the wet suit (did I mention how ridiculous I looked getting pulled out of the surf in a brand new wet suit?) Though, true to the salesperson's word, the wet suit was surprisingly warm. I assume the excess adrenaline coursing through my veins is what gave me that splitting headache. Finally, I was able to gather my wits and drive home.
Luckily, they do not film Bondi Rescue in winter.
