Oblivious

Apparently I broke my finger 6 weeks ago. I did not notice, thinking I had just jammed it. When the swelling didn't go down, I finally saw a doctor. Now there's nothing that can be done.

I hope it doesn't end up looking like this.

Things I Have Learned from OctSober

I have been doing a dry October, or OctSober. I looked it up, but I totally came up with the name by myself. Here are some things I have learned so far:

- I thought the hardest part would be out with people who were drinking. Actually, this hasn't been the case. The most difficult times have been at home and all I want is a beer. And I have beer in the fridge. This has been exceptionally difficult. At the bar, I can usually get by with club soda.

- Club soda is great. Like, how did I not know this before? Water? OK. Water with ice? Better than OK. Bubbly water with ice? And a freshly cut lime? Most excellent.

- I have gotten several blank looks when asking for a "club soda" of Australian bartenders, followed by "what's in a 'club soda'?" Apparently the drink is called "Soda water on ice. With a lime."

To Mo' or not to Mo'

So for the past couple of years, I have ended up doing one big and/or foolish fundraising event for the benefit of mankind. I figure this will help offset all the things that will be sending me to hell. I often ask you guys for donations, but this year, I might try asking you for advice first.

2009: The Relay
2010: 40-Hour Famine
2011: Movember???

Now, as those of you who have ever gotten within 5 feet (1.52 meters) of me know, I have exactly 177 strands of facial hair, 143 of them on my upper lip. This will make for a shitty mustache. But I have been goaded by some co-workers into doing it. So my question to you: To Mo' or not to Mo'?

For a point of reference, here is an artist's rendition of what I may look like:

How I (Almost) Became TV-Famous

There is a show on Australian TV that I enjoy most enthusiastically.
. It is about the professional lifeguards who patrol Bondi Beach, one of Australia's most famous and popular tourist attractions. Even more appealing to me is the fact I often make my way down to Bondi to surf and whatnot and I can catch a glimpse of the stars of the show.

Every week, it seems the people getting rescued fall into one of two categories:
1.) Silly tourists who are wholly unaware of Bondi's particularly nasty rip currents or are grossly under-prepared for ocean swimming.
2.) Silly Asian tourists who are wholly unaware of Bondi's particularly nasty rip currents or are grossly under-prepared for ocean swimming.

I usually found myself watching the show and mocking those who ended up being rescued, especially given the often ridiculous reasons for how they ended up in the given predicament. A typical example might go something like this:

Lee, a 25-year old student from China was on his first visit to Bondi Beach. Having never before gone swimming his entire life, he just jumped into the water thinking it would be a good way to cool off. Ignoring the warnings about dangerous currents, Lee quickly found himself in a losing battle against Backpacker's Rip.

"I never face water so strong," says Lee, shivering and discombobulated after Harries/Whippet/Corey pulled him from the surf.

So, how did I become a part of this narrative?

As longtime readers of this blog know, I have made futile and increasingly laughable attempts to learn how to surf. Deciding to go 'all-in' on the matter, I decided to purchase a surfboard and wet suit. On that fateful day in June, I was able to get my wet suit, but the board was on special order from the manufacturer. Undaunted, I felt it was appropriate to test the salesperson's claims regarding the wet suit in what looked to be not-so-rough waters.

I jumped straight in the water and immediately made the mistake of swimming parallel to the beach. Being a below-average to crappy swimmer, I quickly tired and stopped to catch my breath. As soon as I popped my head out of the water, something wasn't right. I could no longer touch bottom and waves were now crashing over my head. I distinctly remember this sequence of thoughts going through my head:

"Oh shit! Oh shit! Panic! Panic! Panic!"

"OK, don't panic, Zhi. Swim to shore."

"Fuck, I'm not making any progress swimming to shore. Just try harder!"

"Oh no. The lifeguard is shouting and pointing at me. Better let him know I'm OK. Remember that thing from the one diving lesson you took, the international sign for "I'm OK" is tapping your fingers on the top of your head."

"OK, don't panic. Remember to keep your head. The worst thing to do is panicking and trying to swim to shore. Swim perpendicular to the rip."

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I'm not making any progress, I can't touch bottom, and the waves are getting worse."

"Maybe I can just lie on my back and let the waves bring me in. Fuck, they are not bringing me any closer."

"I'm going to die."

"Maybe they'll put me on Bondi Rescue."

"Oh, sweet. I can touch bottom now, maybe I'm OK."

"Oh shit, I no longer touch bottom. Panic."

"Continue panicking."

"Panic! Panic! Panic!"

"Start waving frantically and screaming for help."

At this point, the lifeguard was on his board and coming out to fetch my dumb ass. The show does not exaggerate their prowess in the water. He paddled out on his rescue board the 50-100 meters in about 20 seconds, which is pretty amazing if you consider the surf. Now, all those episodes I had watched of Bondi Rescue came into play as I immediately knew how to get on the board and be rescued (on stomach, face first, legs over the side so the lifeguard can paddle).

Once I got to the beach, I also remembered the proper way to thank your rescuer from watching the show: stumble around like you're drunk and mumble something that sounds like "Thanks". My savior, "Corey O" was very gracious and understanding as he angrily screamed "NO MORE SWIM!" while making an "X" with his arms.

I proceeded to sit on the beach for the next 30 minutes because I was too weak to pull off the wet suit (did I mention how ridiculous I looked getting pulled out of the surf in a brand new wet suit?) Though, true to the salesperson's word, the wet suit was surprisingly warm. I assume the excess adrenaline coursing through my veins is what gave me that splitting headache. Finally, I was able to gather my wits and drive home.

Luckily, they do not film Bondi Rescue in winter.

Update and Observation

Sorry! I've been meaning to update for many weeks now, but many events occurred which interfered. I promise I'll do so shortly! I'm still alive, I promise!

As an aside, I had to throw up this thought:

I just had to update the bank account security questions for an account I've had since 2006. In those five years, many things have stayed the same (my grandmother's maiden name, social security number, school I've attended, where I was born, and my favorite sports team), but some things have certainly changed:

- My favorite movie. I still like this movie, but no longer to the point where I would watch it in my dorm room every week.

- I no longer say, "Your Mom's Face!" Because, well, I'm no longer 21.

- Dirty hippies still need to get a job, but I don't quite feel as strongly about it.

- I haven't read my favorite book in quite some time. Nor do I think everyone is a "phony". Unless of course, I have become one.

Hirrarious!

Remember when you saw those Old Spice Guy commercials? How hard you laughed?

Well these are even better. And the Kiwi accent makes it that much better.

Like when peanut butter found jelly

So I recently discovered Akiva Schaffer (of Lonely Island fame, seeh: here, here, and new fave here) directed a bunch of videos for one of my favorite bands, We Are Scientists:







Awes.

Even Egyptian Protesters like Memes

Somehow, I think this steals from the gravitas of your cause.

I have an overwhelming fear that in the future, everyone will communicate via a series of memes, catchphrases, and 'Netspeak'.

Did they have a "mediocre white QBs sale" at Sports Authority?

In case you can't see, it's three bros leaving the bar in, respectively, Matt Ryan, Tim Tebow, and Matthew Stafford jerseys.

How To Be A Degenerate

Hi Kids! Every once in a while, Your Kindly Online Uncle here likes to give you unsolicited advice on life. For today, we get to learn about how to be a degenerate and a burden upon respectable society! So gather 'round and listen to this simple 10 step program to get you on the way to being a wino! Because someday, you might need to!

Step 1: Leave work at 10AM on Monday morning to go watch the Super Bowl. Bonus: run into co-worker, tell him (primary on-caller) that you are going to the game, and to escalate any issues to you (secondary) if needed.

Step 2: Watch game at sports bar with fellow degenerates.

Step 3: Drink copious amounts of beer.

Step 4: Eat a healthy brunch of wings, fried calamari, and fries.

Step 5: More beer. Bonus: Get drunk.

Step 6: Stumble back into the office at 2:30PM. Lie about where you have been.

Step 7: Eat a meal of potato chips and beef jerky because you missed lunch.

Step 8: Make and drink a cappuccino (badly) to mask the smell of alcohol.

Step 9: Render all your efforts moot by posting to blog.

Step 10: Realize there are still six more hours of daylight left, making your hangover that much worse.

Sydney

I hear you, Brother. But you should see Sydney.

Sometimes I feel like everyone I see in this city is in a contest to see who can dress the sluttiest/trashiest/douchiest.

Australia Day

Things I imagined Australia Day to involve:
- Lots of Knifey-Spoony, you know, to test if you're Australian
- Drinking beer and BBQ
- Going to the beach to wrestle crocodiles

Things I imagine Independence Day to involve if we renamed it America Day:
- Fuck Yeah!
- Drinking beer and BBQ
- Shooting things

At least some things are familiar here.

Should I be proud or offended?

As heard on a 'please hold' phone message for Bing Lee, read in a very Aussie accent:

Our Chinese heritage means everything is negotiable...

Confusing. Or perhaps Confucian?

Multi-Meal, Part 3: Stir Fry

OK, quick post because it's getting late. Perfect because this is such an easy meal idea, and because you already have a lot of the necessary stuff for this recipe.

Chicken and Veggie Stir Fry

Dice:
- Carrot
- Red Bell Pepper (what Aussies call Capsicum. Don't ask)
- Zucchini
- Broccoli

Stir fry all that in some vegetable oil with some minced garlic.

Then, here's the Multi-Meal part, put in about a 1/2 cup of the chicken stock and cook until most of the liquid boils off, leaving just a thickened sauce.

Stir in some of the leftover chicken. Top with some toasted pine nuts if you like.

Salt and pepper to taste.

Super easy and super tasty because of the awesome chicken stock you made previously. Pair with some rice.

Please take the time to read this.

I don't know what good this will do, but I felt like I had to share.

I don't know Bill Zeller. I've never met him. The only way I would have heard about the whole thing was because he worked as an intern on my friend's team in NYC last summer. Just read this.

Story. His note.

Please. If you are even contemplating anything like this, there is help. +1-800-784-2433. Please.

Multi-Meal, Part 2: Chicken Stock

Why make chicken stock from scratch? It is relatively cheap to buy. But I have never bought stock that tastes as good as something made from scratch, and while making stock takes some time, it is actually quite easy.

Chop:

- carrot

- some onion (to make it especially Asian, I used some green onion as well as half a red onion)

- celery (these top three ingredients are your core aromatics to many recipes, minus the Asian)

Add:

- rosemary if you like

- some bay leaves

- salt & pepper

- the bones and skin (remove skin for less fatty stock) from last time.

Cover everything in just enough water so nothing is left sticking out of the saucepan. Don't let it boil (I suck at this), but instead just let it simmer for up to an hour or so. Seasoning as you go. Stock is great because you can season as you go, and even add water when if you over-season.

I took this photo 17 times trying to get the right lighting.

Store in fridge for use soon, or freeze for later use.

It doesn't look too appetizing in a photo, but trust me, it's delicious!

Now to think about what to make with it. It's a bit too hot for Chicken Soup.

Australification*

(*new word. I'm coining it right now.)

So after 8 months in Australia (to the day today), I feel my myself becoming Australified. Maybe it's the fact this country is so far removed from the rest of the world. Maybe because it's isolated as a Western, English speaking country but geographically located closer to South East Asia. Maybe it's because it is +16 hours (during Summer) to East Coast US time. Whatever the reason, things move at a different pace here and I am finding myself more and more caught up in the flow.

Some observations of this phenomenon:

• Not getting internet memes: What is this? Is this what the kids are into nowadays?
• Accepting high prices: Things are often 50-100% more expensive here, given the parity of the AUD to USD. When I first got here, I had sticker shock. Now it's more like sticker 'meh'.
• Being out of the loop: Other than sports, I have no idea what is happening in the news nowadays. Don't know when/if Jerry Brown got sworn in (did he even win?). Didn't know about Ke$ha's new album (it's amazeballs, by the way). And I'm still confused why everyone is talking about snow days, ski trips, and blizzards in the middle of summer.
  

Multi-Meal, Part 1: Chicken Salad

The next phase of my Beer Can Chicken Multi-Meal was what to do will all the leftover chicken meat (despite assumptions to the contrary, I can no longer consume a whole chicken). This recipe, which I found and adapted from an online source, has been previously described as "The Best Chicken Salad Ev4r!!1!". To the point the originator of that description refused a cooking challenge for fear that the secret ingredient would be chicken, and this dish would best whatever she had to offer*. But I digress.

1. Remove the skin from chicken, save skin for later.
2. Remove all meat from bones, save bones for later. You probably won't need all the meat for this recipe, depends on how much you want to make. I prefer white meat for chicken salad as I find dark meat tastier**, so you can also save that for later.
3. Chop up chicken meat, does not have to be too regular or fine.
4. Finely chop half a red onion (the online recipes say celery, but celery tastes like ass).
5. Chop up some stalks of green onion (this gives the chicken salad some Asian-ness).
6. Brown some flaked almonds in olive oil (really, this is true for all recipes that use nuts: toasting in a bit of olive oil makes them better. Always).
7. Other ingredients:

• Mayo (if in Australia, use "whole egg mayonnaise". The other stuff is the work of Satan).
• Dried cranberry (very key ingredient).
• Salt & Pepper
• Paprika

Combine well. Cover and let sit in fridge for at least one hour.

Note, I never rarely list any amounts next to ingredients. This is just what I do. The same with cooking times, you're trying to achieve a personal preference with varying intensities of flavors (e.g. Australian onions may not taste the same as American) so season and mix ingredients to taste, don't worry about exact measurements. This is probably also why I don't bake, because I can't season mid-process.

I then brushed some ciabatta bread with some olive oil and toasted it in the oven before spreading salad on.

Food porn!

All told, about a 30 min recipe for a damn fine sandwich.

*We were all drunk when this was said. Clearly this is not true; she is a much better cook than I. Also, who would select a secret ingredient of chicken?

**Get your head out of the gutter.

Thanks Mom and Dad!

This article (not sure if it's still available behind the WSJ paywall) suggests a new way to explain why Asian kids are often over-achievers. It claims that Asian parents expect so much from their progeny because they do not believe in their limitations or fear for their psyche. It's an interesting approach to take.

In comparison, I was extremely fortunate. While my parents pushed me to achieve, I was still given the chance to pursue my own interests; I got to play sports and was given the choice to give up on the violin.

Not sure what kind of Asian dad I will be though. Probably this kind.

The Multi-Meal, Part 0

I enjoy cooking. While discussing this recently with a friend, the subject of cooking in my situation (i.e. bitter and alone), came up. What is a good way to cook for one? One way is something I like to call (and I'm coining the term now), the Multi-Meal. It's something that you make, but then instead of eating the same leftovers repeatedly until you're done (or sick of it), you can take the leftovers and turn them into several different things with ease. One of my all-time favorite Multi-Meals is Beer Can Chicken.

Because the beer evaporates through the chicken as it's cooking, the meat remains moist and tender (very unlikely to overcook, as opposed to many other chicken recipes), as well as becoming beer flavored.

All that is required is:
- One chicken
- One can of beer (can, not bottle)
- Salt
- Pepper
- Olive Oil

I chose Kilkenny because I like the taste (by itself and in the chicken), and also because it's one of the few beers I could find in Australia that came in a can.

Wash the outside and inside of the chicken (be sure to remove the gizzards as they can sometimes make the surrounding meat gray and unappetizing) and pat dry. Then rub with olive oil and rub in salt and pepper generously. Use your hands.

Begrudgingly drink 2/3 of the beer. Punch holes at the top of the can and insert upright into cavity of the chicken.


Put in 350F (175C) oven until internal temperature of thickest part of the breast reaches 180F (85C).

Pro-Tip: Never cook by the just prescribed times in recipes; you're going for done-ness, which varies with ovens and portions.


I also made some Potatoes Au Gratin (post for another time) and some steamed broccoli.

Pro-Tip: Easiest way to steam broccoli, covered casserole dish, 1/4 cup of water, salt, then microwave until bright green and tender, ~2min.

Not a bad meal for a single dude. Best part, since the Kilkenny came in a four pack, still beer for me!

Next installment of the Multi-Meal, "Best Chicken Salad Ev4r!!1!"

Engineers are socially retarded.

So I went to a dinner for students of a computer science camp for high schoolers, hosted at a local university. Nominally to give them some interaction with people "in the industry"*. Imagine a room full of 15 to 17-year old computer geeks. But not your regular, run of the mill geek, but ones geeky enough to be sent to computer camp during their summer vacation.

Had I stopped talking, I was afraid the entire room might be sucked into a black hole of awkward. Was it the nerdiness? Being that age? Perhaps just the collective reinforcement being around so many others like yourself. Like a concentrated vacuum where normal social skills should have been.

It reminded me so much of myself and my own adolescence. Ah, the memories! The worst part? I actually made up an excuse to duck out of the conversation, because I couldn't stand the awkwardness.

(*The porn business. I quite my IT job months ago.)

New Year, New Adventures

Wow, there's been a lot of stuff to catch everyone up on. Since I'm tired and it's a lot to cover, I'm going to my favorite lazy tactic, the bullet point post!

- Went to Cairns (pronounced CANNS. Why? because it's Australia.) with M and B for the New Year's break. It was very humid, but not that hot. About 85F. Cairns is a very small town. Definitely a different vibe than Sydney. It's touristy, but not too touristy. Great to have spent my first summer New Years with familiar people in a faraway land.

Pro-tip: Don't trust any of the hotels, car rentals, or booking agencies if you call them. We found better deals and even availability online when the staff answering the phones said there was none.

- We then went on a boat for two days out at the Great Barrier Reef. It was amazing. I describe it as swimming through a screen saver. These are the types of seascapes you see in TV and in movies, but it was right there in front of me. I cannot begin to describe how awesome it was. Check out the pictures! There was one moment during a night dive when B jumped into a frenzy of sharks (that's what it's called, look it up). You didn't need to be certified as you could go on guided dives if you were a n00b, like myself. Mostly it was just about remembering to breathe with all the cool stuff going around me.

Pro-tip: Go for two days, one night. It gives you more time to snorkel and dive, in more places. And if you go with Reef Encounter(who are awesome, beaty dubs). You can do a night dive, even with no prior diving experience, although I was too chicken to do so.

Like an alien world down there.

I like turtles.

Not the night dive (too dark for photos), just other sharks we were swimming with.

- Afterwards, we headed up to Port Douglas to just relax and sleep on the beach. Not much swimming in Queensland this time of year, unless you like getting stung by Box Jellyfish (the deadliest creature on Earth). Port Douglas (or Port Doo-Glass) is even smaller than Cairns. I'm not a big fan.

Port Doo-Glass

Wallabies just chilling in a field by the road. Plotting their violent overthrow of the human race.

So, that's one more place crossed off my list of To Do's in Australia. Next up are Kakadu and Uluru. Who's coming with me?

News About My Future Wife

I told you it wouldn't last.

Yes!

New Year's Goal, 2011 Edition

I normally don't make New Year's resolutions. I find them too abstract to follow through on, as in, if I make a resolution for an entire year, how do I find the motivation to start? I prefer my actions to be focused on right now; what can I do right now to get to where I want to be? More like a purpose for doing something, anything.

However, while talking to my two favorite World Travelers this past New Year's Eve in Cairns (post and pics forthcoming), I got suckered into making a "goal" for 2011. What is something each of us would do that would be an accomplishment and something to hang our hat on forever? It was encouraged to be as outlandish as possible, nothing routine or everyday.

After hearing some really good ideas for what my friends were planning to do, I just pulled something completely out of the blue (READ: my ass). It's been something I have dabbled in previously, but to my previous point of never following through on anything, I decided this would be the year I did something about it.

My goal for 2011: play the bass in a band, in some kind of official performance, somewhere. A gig, if you will. Should be interesting as I haven't touched my guitar in six months.

Updates on this to come.